Me, Her, the Boy and a Dog

I’m not watching it not snow because if you watch for it to snow, it won’t. Think “a watched pot never boils.” But, the fact that’s it’s still not snowing disproves my theory because if I’m not watching it not snow with the hopes that it will, then I’m obviously wrong in my theory because … as we all know, it’s not yet snowing. But, how would I know it’s not snowing unless I’m watching it not snow.

Wait … it’s snowing……………….

KHAAAAAAAAN!!

2:00 p.m. - Starting to snow, but just lightly. Maybe I should leave early? Well, no one else is, so I can’t look like the office slacker/wimp.

2:30 p.m. - Starting to snow harder now. People are starting to pack up and leave early. Good idea. I’ll start wrapping things up. Man, the roads don’t look so good and it’s only been 30 minutes.

2:40 p.m. - I hear my boss down the hall telling our team one-by-one to get out of here and go home. Perfect timing because by the time he gets to me, I’m ready to head out the door. Peace out.

2:45 p.m. - Snow is coming down hard, now. Man, I hope I can get home before it gets too bad. Pulling out of parking lot now and onto Prices Fork … so far so good. Hmmm, maybe I should go through town? Nah, it’ll be fine.

2:50 p.m. - What the hell is this? Traffic is backed up just getting on the on-ramp to 460 bypass? You’ve got to be kidding me!

3:05 p.m. - This is crap!! I should be home by now, but I am just NOW getting on 460 from the on-ramp. It can’t be that bad already! What? Are those police lights? Aw, man! There’s an accident already?

3:35 p.m. - Finally got passed the accident - someone didn’t respect the ice and ended up in the ditch - and things seem to have opened up a bit. Whew, that was close. Just a minor accident. Should be smooth, albeit slow sailing from here on out.

3:40 p.m. - Doing 20 miles per hours and getting to the Blacksburg/Christiansburg exit and considering getting off here. I’m worried that I might not be able to make it up that big hill on 460 just before you get to the interstate. Yeah, I’ll get off here and go through town. Yeah, that’s the smart thing to do.

3:45 p.m. - MOTHER @!#%#^&#! What is this? Traffic is backed up on the off-ramp, again? And it’s not moving? I’ve been in the car for an hour and have gone all of three miles, IF THAT! Deep breaths. Deep breaths….

4:15 p.m. - Finally off the off-ramp and onto 460 business. I should have stayed on the bypass, what the hell was I thinking? Idiot. This traffic isn’t moving at all. This is ridiculous. People can’t drive in the snow here. And where are the snow plow trucks and salt/sand?

4:45 p.m. - I’m laughing, out loud. Not the “I heard a funny joke” laugh, or even the “have you seen a picture of the douche bags on MTV’s ‘Jersey Shore?’ laugh.” No, it’s not that kind of laugh.

4:50 p.m. - This may come as a shock to you, but I’m still sitting in my car, wondering if I’m going to make it home. I’ve moved by 1/4 of a mile in the last 35 minutes. Taking out the laptop, turning it on, unwrapping new copy of Inglourious Basterds and commence watching it. It’s funny, depraved and disturbingly entertaining. Just what I need right now. Found old french fry on the floor … getting hungry. Better hold onto it just in case. Glad I watched “Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls.

5:10 p.m. - What’s that? I … I … I can see the Hardee’s! I can see Christiansburg! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Tires spinning! NOOOO! Don’t you dare - not when I’ve come so far! Well, not literally.

…….

Whew, made it! That was close. Sweet civilization! By the way, I think Brad Pitt and I would be great friends.

5:30 p.m. - MORONS! I finally made it to 460/Pepper’s Ferry and these MORONS (pronounced MOE-rons) are blocking the intersection, pulling into it and blocking our way when we have a green light. Who the hell do they think they are? Brad Pitt? Well, I know Brad Pitt, we’re dear friends, and YOU PEOPLE are NO BRAD PITT! How dare you even think you could put yourself in the same class as such a talented and celebrated actor! You should be ashamed of yourselves. NOW MOVE! Before I call Angelina! And trust me, you don’t wanna #@$% with her.

5:40 p.m. - Gotta pee. Real bad. Starting to work out the logistics of how I could relieve myself in an empty Coke bottle. Hoping it doesn’t come down to that, but there’s no way in hell I’m getting off the road.

5:45 p.m. - One, maybe two cars are getting through the intersection with each light. Brad is seriously getting pissed off. He’s actually scalping people and I’m not sure I can get in his way. Those Germans really pissed him off. That’s what I’m trying to tell you people, don’t make my boy Brad angry … you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

5:50 p.m. - Made it through the light! Good thing Santa rolled through and parted the traffic. Brad approves.

6:00 p.m. - I’m on Franklin and it looks clear. I hope this doesn’t turn out to be one of those dreams where you can see the end and are running as fast as you can, but actually seem to go backwards. Boy would that suck.

6:08 p.m. - Turning onto our street! It’s completely snow covered and icey, but I didn’t make it this far to stop now! Punch it, Chewie! What do you mean the hyper drive is down? Well, go fix it! Geez, Brad, can you believe that Wookie?

6:10 p.m. - In the driveway and pulling into the garage. Ginger and Dolley are here to greet me. Total time, 3 hours, 20 minutes. Sanity restored, but remind me to call Brad next week and apologize for acting a little crazy. We’ll invite him, Angelina and the kids over for dinner. He’ll understand.